Want to Have Better Sex? Read This.
By Kayla Kurin
You’ve set your thirst traps and now you’re ready to smash cheeks. But once the clothes come off, what can you do to make sure you and your partner are going to rock each others socks off?
Step one: remove your socks before sex, please. Step two: We asked an expert to find out.
“A lot of folks think that being “good” at sex means having a rockstar performance. Hanging from the chandelier, rock hard erections, lots of wild screams,” said Sex Therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri (CST, CSAT-S, PACT-III, EMDR, TSY). But these images of “wild” sex can often lead to intimate encounters that are more performative than pleasurable. “The more someone pushes for this incredible performance, the less satisfying the sexual experience can be,” Dr. Balestrieri said.
Sex Isn’t a Checklist — It’s a Conversation
“Communication is an important part of pleasurable sex,” Dr. Balestrieri explained. Whether it’s dirty talk, guidance in the moment, or a post-sex debrief, telling your partner what worked (and what didn’t) can help lead you both to a steamy experience.
But to know how to tell your partner what you like you need to… know what you actually like.
Dr. Balestrieri told us that a great place to start is to learn as much as you can about bodies to see what feels good. This education can come from research-backed resources or platforms, like OMGYes, books, shows, or podcasts on the subject.
The conversation about sex doesn’t only need to be in the bedroom or even with the person you’re having sex with. “Be the person in your friend group to bring up sex… find other people who are curious about sex and then talk to them about it,” Dr. Balestrieri said.
Sex Should Be Playful, Not Perfect
Want to find out what you or your partner likes in bed? There’s only one way to find out…
“Our relationship with our sexuality gives us a lot of insight into our vitality, our relationship with creativity, and with feeling. Sex is often a space of play for adults. It’s a space where we get to learn to feel in different ways that we might not get access to in our non-sexual lives.”
So treat it that way. Get weird. Ask questions. Try stuff. Laugh. Get out of your head and into your body. Notice what feels good in your body, and the way you respond to different sensations. Pay attention to your partner to see which kinds of touch they find pleasurable, too. If this feels challenging to you, Dr. Balestrieri has some advice. “Practice being in your body in non-sexual ways.” Pay attention to how your body feels during mindful movements like yoga, or any physical activity you do during the day. When you get used to the feelings of being present in your body, this will become easier to do in intimate experiences, too.
Sex is About Connecting With Yourself and Your Partner
“Reciprocity is key,” says Dr. Balestrieri. “When there’s a mutual effort to ensure both your pleasure needs get met and your partner’s, that’s when sex becomes great.”
So how can you show you care about your partner’s pleasure? Talk about it. Make feedback a ritual you do after sex. Or give your feedback during – there’s no right or wrong time to bring it up. But Dr. Balestrieri advised that, “Any time you’re feeling pain, discomfort, or want something to stop, communicate that right away.”
Pro tip: It never hurts to use the complement sandwich – tell your partner what was fun about having sex with them! Then, bring up the thing you’d like to change. In the moment, Dr. Balestrieri said this might look something like, “I really liked when you were doing this before. Could you speed up or move a little bit to the left? Yeah, that’s right, I love that.”
Sexual fantasies are another way we connect with ourselves and others during sex. Fantasies and roleplaying can help us explore roles or feelings we don’t get in our day-to-day lives, which can help us feel more balanced. “For some, that’s a bigger mental fantasy, for some it’s sensory exploration, for others it’s a deeper emotional connection. Try not to make assumptions about what’s erotically important for the person you’re with. Instead, get curious,” said Dr. Balestrieri.
Good sex starts and ends with being embodied, communicative, and curious. “The more embodied you are, the more you have access to feel, which is what can enhance the sensuality of the sexual experience,” said Dr. Balestrieri.
Want More Pleasurable Sex? Try This:
- Stop performing. Start feeling.
- Know your body. Then talk about it.
- Ask for what you want. Listen to what they want.
- Prioritize pleasure.
- Be curious. Not choreographed.
- Stay present. Play. Explore.
